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Last week, we discussed how you react when others behave inappropriately toward you.   Some of you may focus more on the behaviors of others, and some may focus solely on yourself, or experience a combination of responses.  The most productive way to respond involves acknowledging the behavior of others, but then using the experience to grow as an individual.  Ask yourself how you can change in order to become a better and stronger person and avoid future conflict.

In this article, we will bring up some of the common excuses that many people use to justify the responses that, in the end, may stunt your personal growth and prolong the negativity of an experience.  Then we’ll discuss some alternative perspectives that may help you discover the power of a healthy balance of focus, both on the incident itself and your internal growth.  By relinquishing control over others and taking control of yourself, you will not only turn negative experiences into positive outcomes, but you will find that your life becomes much less stressful and much more happy and fulfilling!

The first step is to make yourself aware of the way you currently respond to the negative or inappropriate behavior of others.  If you missed last week’s article, we highly recommend that you read the article and find a response type that describes what you do when others ‘wrong’ you in some way.  Then you can come back and get even more out of this article.

Now that you understand how you respond to others and where your focus lies, you can begin to discover areas for growth and change.  Sometimes, even those of you who have an overall well-adjusted response, you may still dabble in some of the responses that are control-based and overly focused on the other person.  Sometimes, the more intense or hurtful the situation, the more desperate we become in trying to fix it.  When there is a sense of desperation or panic, it is even more important to be aware of our perspectives because our judgment may be impaired, and we may feel the need to justify our actions.

Think about this business world example.  You have been working on a major presentation for your company executives about a new system that will greatly increase profits.  You invite a co-worker to help you design the power point and assist you in the actual presentation.

The idea is well-received by the executives, but throughout the entire presentation, your co-worker interrupts you and takes over the speech, using language that suggests the whole thing was their idea, and you are the assistant.  The executives congratulate him on a job well done, and set up a meeting to discuss the idea further.  You are not invited.  He has just taken all the credit for your idea.

Now, let’s discuss the different categories of response focus with examples of the excuses, justifications, and perceptions that might accompany your response, and then introduce new perspectives.

Detachment of Focus

If you chose the Independent, Releasing or Tolerant descriptions, you are exhibiting a detachment of focus.  You tend to write off the behavior of others and prevent yourself from having any kind of reaction to it.  This could potentially invite others to treat you badly, not out of maliciousness, but because they honestly believe you won’t care if they do it.  You co-worker may convince himself that you didn’t really care about this project or getting a promotion, so you wouldn’t mind if he took the credit.

You may even convince yourself that you don’t care because you would rather try to shrug it off than create conflict, cause a scene or come off as childish.  However, this route prevents you from growing as a person, learning how to handle conflict, and remain assertive.

Potential excuses or justifications include:

“You have to pick your battles.”

“If I just ignore it, it will resolve itself.”

“It’s my life, so it only matters what I do.  I can’t waste time thinking about what others are doing.”

“It is good to tolerate others.  They teach us tolerance in school, so I’m using it in life.”

These statements may help you to not become angry, but the fact is, this was your idea.  Picking your battles does not mean that you should ignore it when you are wronged.  It does not imply choosing whether or not something is worth addressing might be worth your time to get the credit you worked so hard to deserve.  So what actions can you take that do not focus on the behavior of your co-worker, but do allow you to regain credit for your idea?

Internal Focus on Others

If you chose the Empathetic, Helpless or Conditional descriptions, your focus is on the actions of others as it relates to you.  While some aspects of this can be positive, if you only focus on how their actions affect you, then you are missing out on the options that are within your control that could increase the happiness, fulfillment, and success in your own life.

Potential excuses or justifications include:

“If I could just understand why they do what they do, I’ll feel better.”

“If I know what the underlying issue is, then suddenly the action itself won’t seem so bad.”

“If they just understood what they were doing, they would stop.”

“My life would be better if they stopped doing what they do, but I can’t control them, so I have no choice but to suffer through it.”

“Suffering builds character.”

“Well of course I only like it when people behave well towards me, and of course I hate it when they don’t.  What’s wrong with that?”

Understanding that your co-worker has had many ideas that were shot down in the past by the executives and saw this as a chance to really shine for the first time in his life may help you avoid lashing out at him or holding a grudge, but it does not mean that his actions were okay.  If you simply choose to suffer through it, thinking it will build character, you might be missing the point of that phrase.  It is not the suffering that builds character, it is the way you handle it.  You could also choose to write off your co-worker forever, never speaking to or working with him again, but how does that help you get your credit for your project?  You do not have to give up something that is important to you just because of how someone else behaves.

External Focus on Others

If you chose the Role Model, Controlling, Gossiping, Complaining, Dictator, or Vengeful descriptions, you are taking action for the sake of the outcome as it relates to the other person.

Role Modeling can be great, but if your only purpose is to influence others, then you might be disappointed or upset if those ‘others’ do not change.  Remember, some of these descriptions are not based on negative responses.  It is simply important to also realize that even a positive response has room for more personal growth and success if combined with other responses, which we will discuss in the next section.

Potential excuses or justifications include:

“I’m not trying to control others, I’m just trying to influence.”

“But he won’t change until he knows how it feels.”

“Their boss needs to know about this so that they will realize what type of employee they have hired.”

“If people see me behave appropriately, they will see the light and follow suit.”

“How can I let him just ‘get away’ with this?  I have to do something to show him his behavior is wrong.”

“I’m not gossiping, I just really need to talk about this to process it and to vent.”

“You have to be harsh, or no one respects you… people will walk all over you if you let them.”

With the situation of the co-worker taking credit for your work, you may feel like you want to tell everyone at the office about the presentation.  But what is your real purpose for talking about it?  Are you asking a couple friends to listen and help you decide what to do next?  Or are you telling everyone you run into just so that they will know what happened and there will be no question that you were wronged?

If you go to the executives, are you going to them to let them know that it was actually your idea?  Or are you going to them to let them know that your co-worker stole the credit?  Will you try to sabotage the project by not helping anymore so that it becomes obvious that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing?  Will you plan to take credit for his next idea to show him how it feels or to get even?  Will you talk to him and kindly ask him to make sure that you receive credit for your idea?  Or will you start lashing out at him and barking orders?

What is the purpose behind your actions?  Are you trying to make sure you get credit?  Or are you trying to control him or the people around him (like the executives) in order to control him indirectly?

What can you do instead that will help you reach your goal of getting credit for your idea and experience personal growth and an overall positive outcome?

Internal and External Focus on Self and Others

If you chose the Self-Improving or Well-Adjusted descriptions, you are well on your way to a healthy balance of focus.  The main difference between these two descriptions is that the Well-Adjusted response also includes role modeling and empathy.  While it is great to achieve self-improvement, it is still true that being empathetic will help you avoid anger and having a desire to positively influence others is great, as long as you are not imposing your influence on others.  It is one thing to behave a certain way because you believe it is right, but if you are only doing it to show others how it’s done, than you are losing that valuable focus on yourself that will help you continue to grow.

In the case of the credit-taking co-worker, a healthy response might be to avoid anger by understanding that it is unlikely that he did this out of spite or maliciousness, that there may be other causes for his actions that you may or may not ever fully understand.

You can turn the incident into a learning experience that teaches you to make sure your name is clearly written on all of your work, that you take responsibility for making sure that you discuss the presentation with the executives beforehand, casually letting them know your role and the role of your co-worker.

You can learn about yourself and how you are able to successfully, maturely, and positively handle conflicts of this kind.  You will gain self-confidence in your ability to calmly respond to negative experiences by turning them into a positive experience.  You will bring meaning to your experiences by consciously exploring how each and every situation you encounter brings value to your life and to your self.

You will become a role model to others, not so that you can ‘fix’ people, but so that you might inspire them.  If you do inspire someone, it will bring you joy, but if someone is not ready to be inspired, it is not because you failed, and it will not bring you down.  At the end of the day, you behave in a manner that you personally believe is best for you and those around you.

However…

In this case, all of these perspectives will help you grow, but the fact is, you still have not received credit from the executives for your idea; credit that could possibly lead to a promotion or more responsibility within your company.

This is where a coaching session would come in handy.  Only you can decide what is best for you, and how important that credit is to you.  Was the purpose of the idea to help the company? Or was part of the purpose to gain credibility with the executives?  What type of solution will work for you?  You may feel more comfortable asking your co-worker to let you accompany him to the meeting so that you can be involved in the project that you consider your ‘baby’, letting him know how much it means to you for people to know that this idea is yours.  You might prefer to go to the executives and ask them to be involved in the meeting for the same reasons (rather than simply ‘telling on’ your co-worker).

By maintaining a healthy mindset when it comes to the behavior of others, you will live a happier and less stressful life, and you will grow and develop as a person, becoming a better you.  But sometimes, you will find that some coaching goes a long way in helping you with some of the details.  It will also give you a safe place to vent your frustrations without gossiping, to talk about all of the possibilities and outcomes for different for responses without actually ‘trying them out’, and you will find the answer that works for you and lets you define and achieve your goals.

This is a great topic for debate, considering all of the justifications that we use to make us feel like our own behavior is fueled by good intentions.  Please share your thoughts here.

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